Massive Orgy Planned In Mt Royal Park On June 22nd Now That COVID-19 Is Seemingly Gone, Apparently

We haven’t checked out the news for a couple months now, but Chad came to us on our Zoom conference call with GREAT news today: “Massive orgy planned in Mt Royal Park on June 22nd now that COVID-19 is seemingly gone, apparently”.

We thought this was only a rumor at first, but BARS are reopening, so it HAS to be true. We’ve also noticed people are now sneezing freely in buses packed with people that are not wearing any masks or anything, so it HAS to mean COVID-19 is gone. Right?

No need for condoms, COVID-19 is gone! This bring your own booze/weed event will also feature video screenings of people kissing each other on the cheeks like back we used to do on March 12th to heat things up.

LOL Events Planning Fyre Fest-Themed Party In Verdun Beach

After the monstrous success of the Harry Potter-themed party last weekend at the Rialto Theatre, LOL Events has teased another massive party for MTL!!

Since we’re the most reliable info source MTL can get, we had the privilege of getting a few names that were booked on the line-up:

• Loud
• Snoopy the Dog
• Arcade Fyre
• DJ Khaled
• Tekashi 6ix9ine
• David Bowie
• The women in Grey’s Anatomy
• Richard Harris (for a stand-up comedy set)
• Murphy Cooper VS Beaver Shepard free-for-all match in the octagon
• The leftover chopsticks from the Harry Potter-themed party
• Many more to come!

We’re saving up for the premium packages! Pre-sales date TBA

“Opening Soon” Mile End Restaurant Is Now Ready To Open And Fall Out Of Business In Two Weeks

Things are heating up in the Mile End and in a good way! Yes! The things that are heating are meals! Food? Yum!

Located at 75 St-Viateur, in the heart of the Mile End district, Cantine Emilia has almost finished prepping the opening of it’s brand new restaurant and will very soon be ready to open up and fall out of business two weeks later!

Following last year’s successes of the previous 13 restaurants that made their home in this typically-Mile-End building, there will for sure be a lot of good cookery going on!

We tried to get a word from the person who seemed to be the owner of this new restaurant and who was on site as we walked by, but his long gray hair and levitating body quickly hid behind curtains when he saw us. The only words that we could get from were “It is alost finished. ha ha…. HA HA HA! IT IS ALMOST FINISHED!”

Share and like this article of journalism if you love FOOD!

You Can Watch A Bunch Of Horrid Movies Under The Stars For Free In Montreal This Summer

You’ve already heard of a really fucking horrible movie, the movie that takes viewers on a ride through something and ends a sour date on a weird note.

If you have not seen the movie already, I just have one question: why the heck not? It is a popular movie with both audiences and critics, and it has one of the best soundtracks ever.

But if you haven’t had the chance to see a really fucking horrible movie yet, you’re in luck because Avenue du Mont-Royal is hosting a FREE outdoor movie screening complete with free popcorn on Thursdays. Oh no!

Cinéma plein air (Outdoor Cinema) is a weekly event that organises free outdoor movie viewings all summer long. This Thursday, the chosen movie is Bohemian Rhapsody. Murder me.

Along with the movie, visitors to Cinéma plein air will also get free popcorn. All you have to do is bring your own blankets, chairs and will to die watching an endless abomination sitting next to some dude watching his Facebook newsfeed through the entire movie. It’s the perfect way to spend a shitty night outdoors with strangers and go home disappointed!

 

Te Rest Of Me Going Be Disgusteng An Rany In Monreal

140623875 © Jerome Cid | Dreamstime.com

Today is rane an col wedder will keep going for Me. De rest of Me gray, rane, sad.

Hopes for nex weak because wedder netwark predic 32 mondae. Predic rane an col for wedder nex many dae.

Bad new for ale were lookeng to sumar like becik, voleybale, sangria an terase.

Is going to rane tru weak.

Wedder forecase:

Unfortunate.

Sai. Godbai.

Good source for wedder forecase ere! Like ane folow! An SHAYR

Montreal Decided To Open 99 Red Balloons Themed Biermarkt We Think

So we were on the Google internet

And we saw an image and we found after a deep investigation that Ho-Mama district (a.k.a. Hochelaga-Maisonneuve) himself has accepted Mother Montreal’s offer of opening a 99 Red Balloons themed Biermarkt!

Biermarkt is German for “a place that has beer and other things too”, so we are very excited. No confirmations on who will be the big names of the craft-beer world available at the place, but Chad says he thinks he remembers one but not for sure. One thing for sure though — there WILL be balloons!

Make sure to check this place in the near future! BRA 99 Biermarkt is located somewhere close to Pie IX Daily Metro Station.

We’ll call BRA 99 eventually to make sure this information is true. In the meantime, suck it.

Montreal Opens First-Ever Curry Bar For Real This Time

Montreal is quite the entrapranoor, nowadays! We’ve witnessed a quite impressive amount of bars, restaurants and stores OFFICIALLY opened by Montreal herself! How inspiring!

Now it’s Hochelaga‘s turn to have a taste of Montreal’s great ideas. Located on Ontario Street, in the heart of the heart-warming district also dubbed as “HOMAMA“, Boustan has officially opened its doors for the whole world to have a taste of the FIRST-EVER Indian-Curry-Themed experience! Yummy!

Yummy yummy rollin’ tummy! Photo source: Boustan

Get your chopsticks ready, my bros (and also girls)! Indian-Curry-Themed restaurants are known to be spicy, or something! We don’t know. It’s not like we checked. Leave us the fuck alone! We took the info off Google Reviews! We usually require people to sign legal papers for sole proprietorship of their kidneys for us to make such a nice article! People by the GADJILLIONS click on our links. Eat shit, poors!

5 Types Of Girls You Should Totally Admire And Want To Date

Looking at a woman is so amazing, am I right? I’m so right. I know I am. It makes you want to say “WOW, I wish I could tap that thang!”. It’s even better when she looks like a professional full of success. As a beautiful, young and successful professional, I know many things about what kind of girl is best for you. If you are ugly though, you might not be their type… So, work hard at not being ugly and you might get a shot.

I’ve done some hardcore research you guys? And I found 5 Types Of Girls You Should Totally Admire And Want To Date

5. Thin Girls

Image source: http://www.irinatee.com

Fat girls are fat and sometimes they smell? Very unprofessional? You should date a skinny or thin girl. They are MUCH better than the others and they’re smart enough to keep a good diet and not get fat.

4. Funny Girls

Image source: Instagram

Ha-ha! That’s not how you’re supposed to ride a bike! She knows that, she is being funny? You didn’t think it was funny? Then you have no idea what is funny. Funny girls are funny because they are smart and they have success. Just look at Ilisa Shlesinger! She knows what she’s doing, she’s hot AND she’s the funniest comedian on the planet!

3. Russian Girls

Image source: Instagram

Exotic girls know best. Russian girls are very exotic and wise? Most of the Russian girls you will meet at McGill grew up in Chomedey but don’t let that stop you. Chomedey culture is very exotic.

2. Blonde Girls

Photo cred: Christel Melissa Mulongoy (www.irinatee.com)

Do blondes actually have more fun? Oh yes they do. I feel like blondes don’t get enough credit for their awesomeness. Some guys will say that they prefer red heads or brunettes, but a girl with bright blonde hair will still make them double take. Think about it, you know so many classic beauties whose locks are the color of the sun: Taylor Swift, Candice Swanepoel, Giselle, etc. If you’re still not convinced, here are ten more reasons why blondes are the best:

1: Blogger Girls

Image Source: Instagram

Blogger girls are smart and successful. Some make make-up tootoorials, some make song covers and some talk for a very very long time and these girls are very smart and good looking. It makes them very successful because they work super hard at it. You should admire them, envy them and cry when they finally answer your comment. They are the best?

Montreal City Will Provide Heated Bike Paths This Winter

Photo taken directly off a kid’s pocket along with his lunch-money.

In MTL, we have hardcore-cyclists. It’s probably a fact. They even bike in Winter, sometimes. Crazy! Well, HCCyclists, rejoice: Montreal could maybe provide heated bike paths, in theory!

“Some cities simply flatten the snow, others want to see asphalt” discovered M. Van Neste on the web. Could this mean MTL could maybe have it’s very-own heated bike path? It could. Van Neste is a pretty official-sounding name, we think!

At SoooMTL, we hate to start rumors. That’s why we verified this info with a guy. He said “I still can’t believe my grandson is a journalist! I’m so proud of you, boy! Great work”.

CONFIRMED: MTL WIN!

A Customer Was Spotted At Le Phillies Cheesesteak In The Mile End

If you’ve ever been in the Mile End, then you might have noticed that there is a variety of businesses there. People living in Mile End know that. Among these businesses is “Le Phillies Cheesesteak“.

For months now, people have been scratching their heads, standing in front of the building’s window: “What is it they’re selling? Why is it always empty?”. Today, everything changedmaybe. One of our interns, while she was riding her Bixi on the sidewalk and talking to us on her phone, noticed a customer inside the Phillies. She immediately stopped to observe. So what is Le Phillies Cheesesteak?

Image source: RestoMontreal.ca

As the customer exited the Phillies, our unpaid intern started asking the important questions.

So what is this place? Is it a store?

“I don’t know.”

Did you buy food there? Do they make food?

“There was kind of a smell in there. It smelled–”

Could you describe that smell to us?

“What do you mean ‘us’?”

I’m sorry, I’m a journalist? This is an interview?

“No you’re not.”

So from our first source: Le Phillies Cheesesteak smells.

A SECOND customer was spotted inside, but it ended up being someone on the TV hanging on the wall.