It Could Still Be Happening Somewhere, Chances Are
“Usually, when something dangerous or unusual happens within the city, police are able to shut it down pretty quickly. This helps limit any worry or fear Montrealers might have when venturing outside alone, especially during the darker hours of the day.”
USUALLY, yes. But rumors have come to our screens that something may have happened and this time — police may not have any updates on the case… of the thing… that happened.
Apparently, the thing would have happened to someone, inside some area. It would have been very terrifying and we were very worried when we heard of the possibility of this thing happening, maybe.
We’re not trying to be pointless alarmist fucks, or anything. Wouldn’t you be worried if this happened to you? Or even a friend you have on Facebook? Share this journalistic article with a “feeling worried” and a worried emoji to describe your worry. Carry a knife at all times, trust nobody and never EVER sleep. Oh and buy poutine at La Belle Province. It’s on special this week.
So we were on the Google internet
And we saw an image and we found after a deep investigation that Ho-Mama district (a.k.a. Hochelaga-Maisonneuve) himself has accepted Mother Montreal’s offer of opening a 99 Red Balloons themed Biermarkt!
Biermarkt is German for “a place that has beer and other things too”, so we are very excited. No confirmations on who will be the big names of the craft-beer world available at the place, but Chad says he thinks he remembers one but not for sure. One thing for sure though — there WILL be balloons!
Make sure to check this place in the near future! BRA 99 Biermarkt is located somewhere close to Pie IX Daily Metro Station.
We’ll call BRA 99 eventually to make sure this information is true. In the meantime, suck it.
Montreal is quite the entrapranoor, nowadays! We’ve witnessed a quite impressive amount of bars, restaurants and stores OFFICIALLY opened by Montreal herself! How inspiring!
Now it’s Hochelaga‘s turn to have a taste of Montreal’s great ideas. Located on Ontario Street, in the heart of the heart-warming district also dubbed as “HOMAMA“, Boustan has officially opened its doors for the whole world to have a taste of the FIRST-EVER Indian-Curry-Themed experience! Yummy!
Yummy yummy rollin’ tummy! Photo source: Boustan
Get your chopsticks ready, my bros (and also girls)! Indian-Curry-Themed restaurants are known to be spicy, or something! We don’t know. It’s not like we checked. Leave us the fuck alone! We took the info off Google Reviews! We usually require people to sign legal papers for sole proprietorship of their kidneys for us to make such a nice article! People by the GADJILLIONS click on our links. Eat shit, poors!
Hot tip off the Reddit! We’ve heard it through the grapevine that apparently the entire campus of Concordia University is infested with bedbugs, possibly due to filthy nerds studying in the library instead of renting a Breather on their parents’ credit card.
Breather is a service that helps people find beautiful, quiet space in the downtown core of MTL to do work. Instead of touching elbows with incredibly foreign students or risking having a bedbud shoot up your sweatpant leg and into your dilz, why not get a Breather? Breather is great. Learn more about Breather.
Concordia has confirmed through their reddit account (/u/CSU-HOJO) that bed bugs are everywhere, in a big way. Maybe school is closed, who knows. Breather.