Condos. Condominiums. Condingdongdillidongdongs. They are Montreal’s lifeblood. They are what makes MTL run. Whether it is for some oil baron from Dubai to lodge his kids while they go to Concordia, your parents to have a place to sleep while they’re in town from Toronto or for a young swaglord who just graduated with an MBA to buy for max profits down the line, condos are so very MTL.
But we’re running out of space! They are starting to put condos in totally un-MTL places like Verdun! We wracked our brains and came up with 9 mind-blowing, spectacular, life-changing, tear-to-your-eye-causing places that intrepid condo developers should really keep an eye on!
9. Ritalo Theater
Chad’s dad when to see Chubby Checker here the other time, so you know it’s totally donesies. Chubby Checker must be like 80 years old – it’s time for him to be replaced by a Dilpo or Skrillex. The best way to do that is to tear down the old useless Ritalo Theater in the heart of the PMR and but some bitchin-ass new condos there. Imagine being so close to all the amenities like L’Gros Luxe Bernard and Rona! Besides this used to be a movie theater and you can get literally any movie ever made on iPads now anyway so it’s not likely to be of any use any time soon.
8. Notman House
This is a house located just a stone throw away from Buena Notte in the most hippest area of the main boulevard. For a long time there was rich people in this house (the area was known as the Golden Square Mile-End) and then it went real gross for a while. Now it is occupied by ‘startups’ although who knows what that means because we tried to get an office there and they said we ‘weren’t serious enough’. So the best case scenario would be to tear it down and put condos there and we’ll see whose serious enough now.
7. Just For Laffs Museum
Apparently according to Chad’s older brother who use to live around here in the 2000’s, this used to be a music venue! WTF! I guess maybe if you want to watch that little green goblin thing play the benjo or something LOL. Ayway this is a pretty great space just south of Buena Notte and its completely useless now and no one will ever use it so KNOCK! IT! DOWN!
6. Carry St-Louis
You may have walked through this ‘park’ to get to St Laurent (it is situated a few blocks from Buena Notte) from Sherbrook metro station. We use ‘park’ in quotations because it is mostly full of homelesses and mimes and grungy guys that look a bit like Jeff COffin from DMB playing guitars (no disrespect to DMB, obvi, but Coffin is the most grungy of those bros). With such a prime location on Saint Denis it would be a crime to let the hobos enjoy it when we could put condos there?!
5. Cafe Cleopartre
Stripclubs, LOL. I mean, really, what. This area is pretty cool (they even managed to turn old shitty Midway into cool, urban Midway) but who wants to go watch some old ratchet strippers here anyway? With proximity to the SAT and the new Midway, it would be a party lover’s dream! (Fun fact: Cleopartre means Cleopatra in French!)
4. The Parking Lot Next To The St-Martin Hotel
Downtown MTL is a condo lovers’ dream; condos as far as the eye can see. There remain some unexploited spots, however; this useless piece of shit parking lot is one of them. Put a condo in it! Since when do people who stay at hotels drive there! We have Uber now!
3. Le Rapido
This was a famous poutine PMR joint that closed, which is fine because the old hag that worked there never served us in English. It is located in the heart of PMR, close to Saint Laurent, and would make a perfect place for condos. The only downside is it’s a little far from Buenanotte but that’s what taxis are for.
2. The Old PA on Park
PA moved up the street which is OK but now the old PA sits empty, devoid of it’s joie de vive. Some people have argued that we should probably put something useful for the people of the neighborhood but, like, everyone in this nabe has a car I guess. PA is still there also, dorks. That’s a prime piece of real estate that needs to be turned into condos to fully enjoy the PMR with friends.
1. The Saint Joseph’s Oratory
OK, so the neighborhood is a bit sketchy (lots of incredibly foreign people, very far from Buena Notte and any other decent supperclub), but no one can deny that the Oratorio has THE BEST view of MTL. Of course some Jesus lovers out there might be upset when they tear down the oratory, but if they need to see some jesus-y stuff why doesn’t the just go to the Notre Dame Basilic? We would literally kill for a view like this one; we would watch the life slowly exit you’re eyes while sipping on a green juice and staring at the bounties of MTL. Make it happen, MTL!