Big snow energy
Lot of snoeflak
Big snow energy
Lot of snoeflak
It Could Still Be Happening Somewhere, Chances Are
“Usually, when something dangerous or unusual happens within the city, police are able to shut it down pretty quickly. This helps limit any worry or fear Montrealers might have when venturing outside alone, especially during the darker hours of the day.”
USUALLY, yes. But rumors have come to our screens that something may have happened and this time — police may not have any updates on the case… of the thing… that happened.
Apparently, the thing would have happened to someone, inside some area. It would have been very terrifying and we were very worried when we heard of the possibility of this thing happening, maybe.
We’re not trying to be pointless alarmist fucks, or anything. Wouldn’t you be worried if this happened to you? Or even a friend you have on Facebook? Share this journalistic article with a “feeling worried” and a worried emoji to describe your worry. Carry a knife at all times, trust nobody and never EVER sleep. Oh and buy poutine at La Belle Province. It’s on special this week.
So we were on the Google internet
And we saw an image and we found after a deep investigation that Ho-Mama district (a.k.a. Hochelaga-Maisonneuve) himself has accepted Mother Montreal’s offer of opening a 99 Red Balloons themed Biermarkt!
Biermarkt is German for “a place that has beer and other things too”, so we are very excited. No confirmations on who will be the big names of the craft-beer world available at the place, but Chad says he thinks he remembers one but not for sure. One thing for sure though — there WILL be balloons!
Make sure to check this place in the near future! BRA 99 Biermarkt is located somewhere close to Pie IX Daily Metro Station.
We’ll call BRA 99 eventually to make sure this information is true. In the meantime, suck it.
Somewhere, in Montreal, Montreal has taken the decision herself to open a Game Of Thrones themed bar or something! We have seen pictures, and we may or may not have seen a sword somewhere. Oh, and a flag. There was definitely a flag. That means GoT my dudes (and girls too)!!!!!
Fact-checking to be done later this month.
Montreal is quite the entrapranoor, nowadays! We’ve witnessed a quite impressive amount of bars, restaurants and stores OFFICIALLY opened by Montreal herself! How inspiring!
Now it’s Hochelaga‘s turn to have a taste of Montreal’s great ideas. Located on Ontario Street, in the heart of the heart-warming district also dubbed as “HOMAMA“, Boustan has officially opened its doors for the whole world to have a taste of the FIRST-EVER Indian-Curry-Themed experience! Yummy!
Get your chopsticks ready, my bros (and also girls)! Indian-Curry-Themed restaurants are known to be spicy, or something! We don’t know. It’s not like we checked. Leave us the fuck alone! We took the info off Google Reviews! We usually require people to sign legal papers for sole proprietorship of their kidneys for us to make such a nice article! People by the GADJILLIONS click on our links. Eat shit, poors!
It’s spring cleaning time here at Sooo MTL! (LOL it’s so hard to keep track of seasons when you work for you’re self!) There are more than 90 businesses that still owe us money for services rendered. This is not very MTL of you. Scratch our back, and we’ll scratch our back. Please send us checks, money order or well-concealed cash immediately.
10. Bar Snydrome – 120.12
Dudes. We mentioned your in a list AND we posted a picture of a list on our Facebook with a bunch of hashtags at 10$ a piece. We’re willing to let a few of the hashtags slide out of generalsity and the fact that you are one of the leading metal clubs of MTL. But common.
9. La Banquise – 180.56
Let me tell you: it was a heart-renching choice to add some of the poutine restaurants to our list and to leave some others out. La Banquise was a real bone of contention amongst our staff and some people regert the inclusion – so why don’t you pay us ? The article was very popular and certainly helped visibility of your new and unknown business.
8. Heads & Hands – 210.25
K, we know you are a ‘charity’ organization and thanks for the free rubbers and everything but FOUR TIMES we had to delete articles due to complaints from sensitive weiners who are probably affiliated with your organization. The least you could do is to grease are palms a little?
7. Cult MTL – 212.25
One of our writers went to your 2nd anniversary party and out of mutual respect we chose not to send a photographer or to write it up so as to not take away some of your clicks. We feel this gesture of good will should be acknowledged? Game recognize game. (We’re not even going to discuss the potential breech of copyright in your using of that name.)
6. Buenanotte – 299.95
We’re big big big big big fans of this incredible supper club just a skip away from our office. We would write them up for free if that was something that we did – but guess what, it’s not. Considering how many bottles we’ve dropped hundos on in your club, the least you could do is pay your invoice.
5. Oratorio Saint-Joseph – 344.37
You think that loving Jesus is gonna get you the right to skip out on your bills? Think again, Pope! We gave great publicity to your location and we’re sure that many eager condo developers came -aknocking! This invoice represents a infinite-small percentage of the money you’ll make selling the land and building to developers – like seriously 0.0000000000000001% or something. Don’t be cheap.
4. Mathieu Buck-Côté – 345.37
Before Sooo MTL came along, no anglos read your columns. Now, several hundred have glanced at it. We afford you a visibility that really even can’t be quantified into dollars but we tried anyway.
3. Basha – 1222.22
We looooooove Basha, so it hurts us abit that they have been routinely ignoring our invoices. A mention in one of are articles is only 112$ (plus tax). That’s only like 10 ‘Ass. Taouk’ (fuckin’ LOL) per mention. Plus, our graphic designer Vince is half-Lebanese!
2. Capital Da Mainland – 4500.00
It doesn’t make sense to us. We agree to occupying a building that has been empty for YEARS, not making any money, AND we agree to stencil our VERY RECOGNIZABLE and TRADEMARKED logo on the door and you still want to charge us rent?! How many people look at your building now that we’re there visavee before? Hundreds! Thousands probably! Consider it a form of IRL viral marketing for your other properties. As we’ve discussed several times in our voicemails, the exposure you’re getting is astronomical. We’ve even knocked off a few months of rent as a gesture of Good Will.
1. Ville de Montréal: 16 573 000.12
I think it goes without saying that we have worked tirelessly to make the city amazing. Without us, it would be some what of a cultural and gastronomical wasteland, don’t you agree? Despite our best efforts, the city has never recognized what a vital life force we are to the city that we call home (except during winter break – and spring break). GIVE US SOME DANG DOLLAR BILLS, DENIS.