Massive Orgy Planned In Mt Royal Park On June 22nd Now That COVID-19 Is Seemingly Gone, Apparently

We haven’t checked out the news for a couple months now, but Chad came to us on our Zoom conference call with GREAT news today: “Massive orgy planned in Mt Royal Park on June 22nd now that COVID-19 is seemingly gone, apparently”.

We thought this was only a rumor at first, but BARS are reopening, so it HAS to be true. We’ve also noticed people are now sneezing freely in buses packed with people that are not wearing any masks or anything, so it HAS to mean COVID-19 is gone. Right?

No need for condoms, COVID-19 is gone! This bring your own booze/weed event will also feature video screenings of people kissing each other on the cheeks like back we used to do on March 12th to heat things up.

LOL Events Planning Fyre Fest-Themed Party In Verdun Beach

After the monstrous success of the Harry Potter-themed party last weekend at the Rialto Theatre, LOL Events has teased another massive party for MTL!!

Since we’re the most reliable info source MTL can get, we had the privilege of getting a few names that were booked on the line-up:

• Loud
• Snoopy the Dog
• Arcade Fyre
• DJ Khaled
• Tekashi 6ix9ine
• David Bowie
• The women in Grey’s Anatomy
• Richard Harris (for a stand-up comedy set)
• Murphy Cooper VS Beaver Shepard free-for-all match in the octagon
• The leftover chopsticks from the Harry Potter-themed party
• Many more to come!

We’re saving up for the premium packages! Pre-sales date TBA

“Opening Soon” Mile End Restaurant Is Now Ready To Open And Fall Out Of Business In Two Weeks

Things are heating up in the Mile End and in a good way! Yes! The things that are heating are meals! Food? Yum!

Located at 75 St-Viateur, in the heart of the Mile End district, Cantine Emilia has almost finished prepping the opening of it’s brand new restaurant and will very soon be ready to open up and fall out of business two weeks later!

Following last year’s successes of the previous 13 restaurants that made their home in this typically-Mile-End building, there will for sure be a lot of good cookery going on!

We tried to get a word from the person who seemed to be the owner of this new restaurant and who was on site as we walked by, but his long gray hair and levitating body quickly hid behind curtains when he saw us. The only words that we could get from were “It is alost finished. ha ha…. HA HA HA! IT IS ALMOST FINISHED!”

Share and like this article of journalism if you love FOOD!

You Can Watch A Bunch Of Horrid Movies Under The Stars For Free In Montreal This Summer

You’ve already heard of a really fucking horrible movie, the movie that takes viewers on a ride through something and ends a sour date on a weird note.

If you have not seen the movie already, I just have one question: why the heck not? It is a popular movie with both audiences and critics, and it has one of the best soundtracks ever.

But if you haven’t had the chance to see a really fucking horrible movie yet, you’re in luck because Avenue du Mont-Royal is hosting a FREE outdoor movie screening complete with free popcorn on Thursdays. Oh no!

Cinéma plein air (Outdoor Cinema) is a weekly event that organises free outdoor movie viewings all summer long. This Thursday, the chosen movie is Bohemian Rhapsody. Murder me.

Along with the movie, visitors to Cinéma plein air will also get free popcorn. All you have to do is bring your own blankets, chairs and will to die watching an endless abomination sitting next to some dude watching his Facebook newsfeed through the entire movie. It’s the perfect way to spend a shitty night outdoors with strangers and go home disappointed!

 

Te Rest Of Me Going Be Disgusteng An Rany In Monreal

140623875 © Jerome Cid | Dreamstime.com

Today is rane an col wedder will keep going for Me. De rest of Me gray, rane, sad.

Hopes for nex weak because wedder netwark predic 32 mondae. Predic rane an col for wedder nex many dae.

Bad new for ale were lookeng to sumar like becik, voleybale, sangria an terase.

Is going to rane tru weak.

Wedder forecase:

Unfortunate.

Sai. Godbai.

Good source for wedder forecase ere! Like ane folow! An SHAYR

Montreal Decided To Open 99 Red Balloons Themed Biermarkt We Think

So we were on the Google internet

And we saw an image and we found after a deep investigation that Ho-Mama district (a.k.a. Hochelaga-Maisonneuve) himself has accepted Mother Montreal’s offer of opening a 99 Red Balloons themed Biermarkt!

Biermarkt is German for “a place that has beer and other things too”, so we are very excited. No confirmations on who will be the big names of the craft-beer world available at the place, but Chad says he thinks he remembers one but not for sure. One thing for sure though — there WILL be balloons!

Make sure to check this place in the near future! BRA 99 Biermarkt is located somewhere close to Pie IX Daily Metro Station.

We’ll call BRA 99 eventually to make sure this information is true. In the meantime, suck it.

Montreal Opens First-Ever Curry Bar For Real This Time

Montreal is quite the entrapranoor, nowadays! We’ve witnessed a quite impressive amount of bars, restaurants and stores OFFICIALLY opened by Montreal herself! How inspiring!

Now it’s Hochelaga‘s turn to have a taste of Montreal’s great ideas. Located on Ontario Street, in the heart of the heart-warming district also dubbed as “HOMAMA“, Boustan has officially opened its doors for the whole world to have a taste of the FIRST-EVER Indian-Curry-Themed experience! Yummy!

Yummy yummy rollin’ tummy! Photo source: Boustan

Get your chopsticks ready, my bros (and also girls)! Indian-Curry-Themed restaurants are known to be spicy, or something! We don’t know. It’s not like we checked. Leave us the fuck alone! We took the info off Google Reviews! We usually require people to sign legal papers for sole proprietorship of their kidneys for us to make such a nice article! People by the GADJILLIONS click on our links. Eat shit, poors!

The Best Pokemon Go Locations To Find Rare Pokemon In MTL

THE HYPE IS REAL, BAE!

Pokemon is all the rage, right now! With kids ranging from 30 to 45 years old, EVERYONE seems to be playing Pokemon Go on their cellphones (sorry Olds, You can’t play with your flip-phones LOL)!

But now everyone is wondering — WHERE DO I CATCH THE RARE POKEMONS?!? Well, the wait is over. We asked EVERYONE we know at La Belle Province, and we now have the COMPLETE list of the sweet, sweet spots to find your own Mewtwo! Here’s the full map with the list below!

1. La Belle Province

1604, Avenue de Mont Royal East

What you can find: Great poutine at an affordable price (great for munchies when you’re a student! Say hi to Manny, he’s real nice), Pidgey, Rattata, Squirtle.

 

2. La Belle Province

3608, Saint Laurent

What you can find: Great poutine at an affordable price (a true classic! who’s hungry???), Pidgey, Rattata and maybe Meowth.

 

3. La Belle Provence

1, Sainte Catherine W

What you can find: Did someone say steam-dogs?? YUM! Affordable price! Also; Pidgey, Pidgeotto, Pigeon.

 

4. La Belle Province

1356, Jarry E

What you can find: Great poutine and steam-dog combo! If you say hi to Manny, he might take a few bucks off the price! NICE! Thanks Manny! Also; Pidgey, Rattata, Meowth, Seel, Fishy and Flowerhead.

 

5. La Belle Province

3001, Notre-Dame West

What you can find: Manny, Poutine, Pidgey, Drowsey, Machop

 

6. La Belle Provence

4579, Wellington

What you can find: Rattata, Pidgey, Meowth, Eevee. Secret cheat-tip: You can find ANY Pokemon there if you say hi to Manny twice and order poutine for all your friends. Did I hear “poutine”? YUM!

 

7. La Belle Province

6752, rue Sainte-Jacques

What you can find: Mankey, Rattata, Egghead, lots of Muk, Psyduck Poutine, Coderre, Steam-dogmon

 

8. La Belle Province

1216, Peel

What you can find: Great poutine at an affordable price (great for munchies when you’re a student! Say hi to Manny, he’s real nice), Pidgey, Manny, Rattata, Squirtle, Manny, Steve, Diglet, Manny, Ghastly, MEWTWO!!!!, Pidgey, Manny2.

MTL’s Probably Hottest Spot To Sit In Is Back With A Solid Bang

I don’t know if you guys remember… but last year, Mile End was graced by the presence of a SUPER COOL SPOT to sit in.

Well, it’s BACK! OMG! And it’s got this AWESOME new location: right on the corner of St-Viateur and De Gaspé! Either if you’re into watching a big vinyl sticker of a woman laying on a pillow, or maybe if you’re more into truck-watching, this spot is for you! Since industrial music is making a come-back, you’ll wet your neeners at the sweet banging of trucks hitting pot-holes that’s even more intense than dat bassdrop you’re always craving! OOMF!

Conveniently located right next to the 46’s bus stop and the Champ Dae Possible (aka CDP in Mile End), this awesome terasse is sure to please everyone!

No smoking or drinking allowed.

Scientists Claim MTL To Be The Best City In The World For Poutine And Getting Turnt

It has been claimed, so it’s pretty much confirmed in science-talk!

Source http://www.wisegeek.com

A Scientist in the area of Science was seen drinking at Bar Brutus, claiming “ffffuck, man! I’m turnt like………… This poutine is so hyyyyyyype!!!”

He was later spotted in the women’s washroom, sleeping on a toilet seat.

This means MTL is now the Best City In The World For Poutine And Getting Turnt! Mayor Coderre commented on this new victory, saying he was very proud.