Massive Orgy Planned In Mt Royal Park On June 22nd Now That COVID-19 Is Seemingly Gone, Apparently

We haven’t checked out the news for a couple months now, but Chad came to us on our Zoom conference call with GREAT news today: “Massive orgy planned in Mt Royal Park on June 22nd now that COVID-19 is seemingly gone, apparently”.

We thought this was only a rumor at first, but BARS are reopening, so it HAS to be true. We’ve also noticed people are now sneezing freely in buses packed with people that are not wearing any masks or anything, so it HAS to mean COVID-19 is gone. Right?

No need for condoms, COVID-19 is gone! This bring your own booze/weed event will also feature video screenings of people kissing each other on the cheeks like back we used to do on March 12th to heat things up.


LOL Events Planning Fyre Fest-Themed Party In Verdun Beach

After the monstrous success of the Harry Potter-themed party last weekend at the Rialto Theatre, LOL Events has teased another massive party for MTL!!


Since we’re the most reliable info source MTL can get, we had the privilege of getting a few names that were booked on the line-up:

  • Loud
  • Snoopy the Dog
  • Arcade Fyre
  • DJ Khaled
  • Tekashi 6ix9ine
  • David Bowie
  • The women in Grey’s Anatomy
  • Richard Harris (for a stand-up comedy set)
  • Murphy Cooper VS Beaver Shepard free-for-all match in the octagon
  • The leftover chopsticks from the Harry Potter-themed party
  • Many more to come!

We’re saving up for the premium packages! Pre-sales date TBA

“Opening Soon” Mile End Restaurant Is Now Ready To Open And Fall Out Of Business In Two Weeks

Things are heating up in the Mile End and in a good way! Yes! The things that are heating are meals! Food? Yum!

Located at 75 St-Viateur, in the heart of the Mile End district, Cantine Emilia has almost finished prepping the opening of it’s brand new restaurant and will very soon be ready to open up and fall out of business two weeks later!

Following last year’s successes of the previous 13 restaurants that made their home in this typically-Mile-End building, there will for sure be a lot of good cookery going on!

We tried to get a word from the person who seemed to be the owner of this new restaurant and who was on site as we walked by, but his long gray hair and levitating body quickly hid behind curtains when he saw us. The only words that we could get from were “It is alost finished. ha ha…. HA HA HA! IT IS ALMOST FINISHED!”

Share and like this article of journalism if you love FOOD!

You Can Watch A Bunch Of Horrid Movies Under The Stars For Free In Montreal This Summer

You’ve already heard of a really fucking horrible movie, the movie that takes viewers on a ride through something and ends a sour date on a weird note.

If you have not seen the movie already, I just have one question: why the heck not? It is a popular movie with both audiences and critics, and it has one of the best soundtracks ever.

But if you haven’t had the chance to see a really fucking horrible movie yet, you’re in luck because Avenue du Mont-Royal is hosting a FREE outdoor movie screening complete with free popcorn on Thursdays. Oh no!

Cinéma plein air (Outdoor Cinema) is a weekly event that organises free outdoor movie viewings all summer long. This Thursday, the chosen movie is Bohemian Rhapsody. Murder me.

Along with the movie, visitors to Cinéma plein air will also get free popcorn. All you have to do is bring your own blankets, chairs and will to die watching an endless abomination sitting next to some dude watching his Facebook newsfeed through the entire movie. It’s the perfect way to spend a shitty night outdoors with strangers and go home disappointed!


Te Rest Of Me Going Be Disgusteng An Rany In Monreal


140623875 © Jerome Cid |

Today is rane an col wedder will keep going for Me. De rest of Me gray, rane, sad.

Hopes for nex weak because wedder netwark predic 32 mondae. Predic rane an col for wedder nex many dae.

Bad new for ale were lookeng to sumar like becik, voleybale, sangria an terase.

Is going to rane tru weak.

Wedder forecase:

Sans titre


Sai. Godbai.

Good source for wedder forecase ere! Like ane folow! An SHAYR

Montreal Decided To Open 99 Red Balloons Themed Biermarkt We Think

So we were on the Google internet

And we saw an image and we found after a deep investigation that Ho-Mama district (a.k.a. Hochelaga-Maisonneuve) himself has accepted Mother Montreal’s offer of opening a 99 Red Balloons themed Biermarkt!

Biermarkt is German for “a place that has beer and other things too”, so we are very excited. No confirmations on who will be the big names of the craft-beer world available at the place, but Chad says he thinks he remembers one but not for sure. One thing for sure though — there WILL be balloons!

Make sure to check this place in the near future! BRA 99 Biermarkt is located somewhere close to Pie IX Daily Metro Station.

We’ll call BRA 99 eventually to make sure this information is true. In the meantime, suck it.


Montreal Opens First-Ever Curry Bar For Real This Time

Montreal is quite the entrapranoor, nowadays! We’ve witnessed a quite impressive amount of bars, restaurants and stores OFFICIALLY opened by Montreal herself! How inspiring!

Now it’s Hochelaga‘s turn to have a taste of Montreal’s great ideas. Located on Ontario Street, in the heart of the heart-warming district also dubbed as “HOMAMA“, Boustan has officially opened its doors for the whole world to have a taste of the FIRST-EVER Indian-Curry-Themed experience! Yummy!


Yummy yummy rollin’ tummy! Photo source: Boustan

Get your chopsticks ready, my bros (and also girls)! Indian-Curry-Themed restaurants are known to be spicy, or something! We don’t know. It’s not like we checked. Leave us the fuck alone! We took the info off Google Reviews! We usually require people to sign legal papers for sole proprietorship of their kidneys for us to make such a nice article! People by the GADJILLIONS click on our links. Eat shit, poors!


It’s spring cleaning time here at Sooo MTL! (LOL it’s so hard to keep track of seasons when you work for you’re self!) There are more than 90 businesses that still owe us money for services rendered. This is not very MTL of you. Scratch our back, and we’ll scratch our back. Please send us checks, money order or well-concealed cash immediately.

syndrome blogspot

(Source: Google)

10. Bar Snydrome – 120.12

Dudes. We mentioned your in a list AND we posted a picture of a list on our Facebook with a bunch of hashtags at 10$ a piece. We’re willing to let a few of the hashtags slide out of generalsity and the fact that you are one of the leading metal clubs of MTL. But common.

(Source: our old article about poutine)

(Source: our old article about poutine)

9. La Banquise – 180.56

Let me tell you: it was a heart-renching choice to add some of the poutine restaurants to our list and to leave some others out. La Banquise was a real bone of contention amongst our staff and some people regert the inclusion – so why don’t you pay us ? The article was very popular and certainly helped visibility of your new and unknown business.

8. Heads & Hands – 210.25

K, we know you are a ‘charity’ organization and thanks for the free rubbers and everything but FOUR TIMES we had to delete articles due to complaints from sensitive weiners who are probably affiliated with your organization. The least you could do is to grease are palms a little?



7. Cult MTL – 212.25

One of our writers went to your 2nd anniversary party and out of mutual respect we chose not to send a photographer or to write it up so as to not take away some of your clicks. We feel this gesture of good will should be acknowledged? Game recognize game. (We’re not even going to discuss the potential breech of copyright in your using of that name.)



6. Buenanotte – 299.95

We’re big big big big big fans of this incredible supper club just a skip away from our office. We would write them up for free if that was something that we did – but guess what, it’s not. Considering how many bottles we’ve dropped hundos on in your club, the least you could do is pay your invoice.

(Source: BlogMTL)

(Source: SoooMTL)

5. Oratorio Saint-Joseph – 344.37

You think that loving Jesus is gonna get you the right to skip out on your bills? Think again, Pope! We gave great publicity to your location and we’re sure that many eager condo developers came -aknocking! This invoice represents a infinite-small percentage of the money you’ll make selling the land and building to developers – like seriously 0.0000000000000001% or something. Don’t be cheap.



4. Mathieu Buck-Côté – 345.37

Before Sooo MTL came along, no anglos read your columns. Now, several hundred have glanced at it. We afford you a visibility that really even can’t be quantified into dollars but we tried anyway.



3. Basha – 1222.22

We looooooove Basha, so it hurts us abit that they have been routinely ignoring our invoices. A mention in one of are articles is only 112$ (plus tax). That’s only like 10 ‘Ass. Taouk’ (fuckin’ LOL) per mention. Plus, our graphic designer Vince is half-Lebanese! 

2. Capital Da Mainland – 4500.00

It doesn’t make sense to us. We agree to occupying a building that has been empty for YEARS, not making any money, AND we agree to stencil our VERY RECOGNIZABLE and TRADEMARKED logo on the door and you still want to charge us rent?! How many people look at your building now that we’re there visavee before? Hundreds! Thousands probably! Consider it a form of IRL viral marketing for your other properties. As we’ve discussed several times in our voicemails, the exposure you’re getting is astronomical. We’ve even knocked off a few months of rent as a gesture of Good Will. 



1. Ville de Montréal: 16 573 000.12

I think it goes without saying that we have worked tirelessly to make the city amazing. Without us, it would be some what of a cultural and gastronomical wasteland, don’t you agree? Despite our best efforts, the city has never recognized what a vital life force we are to the city that we call home (except during winter break – and spring break). GIVE US SOME DANG DOLLAR BILLS, DENIS.