Sup guy! Hey girl! The time has finally come to leave the comfort of Hamilton or Abbotsford and let loose in the big city! MTL has a very European character, so you may need to make some adjustments when you move here in order to fully become MTL (if you are lucky you may eventually graduate to be Sooo MTL like us, but don’t get ahead of yourselves, brah). Hold on to your dicks – here’s 40 things you will ABSOLUTELY need to know about MTL.
1. There are French people here. This is a side effect of being very European. Don’t worry, you will almost never have to speak French.
2. The SAQ and the SAAQ are two different things. The first is the one stop shop to pick up Yeagermister and vodka with gold flakes in it; the other is a place that you might mistakenly walk into thinking you will get booze. Leave immediately.
3. Poutine is mandatory. This dish that consists of fries, cheese nuggest and sauce is actually required once a day. The government sends a person to come and read a meter that’s strapped to your house to make sure; sometimes the meter is in your house, which sucks.
4. Rue Saint Laurent is the limit between anglos and francos. Landlords on the eastern side will never rent to anyone who speaks English; while this may seem like a racism on their part, it is not because a) it is to protect you; b) most landlords are incredbly foreign.
5. Bar Brutus is the best bar in Montreal. It has not opened yet, but this bar in the heart of the PMR is clearly the best based on super-delicious menu items like the Root Beer Sandwich, the Deep Fried Cardigan Chunks and the Beefeater Soaked Pork Chop. Go there immediately as soon as it opens, someday. We LOVE it!
6. There are alot of children here. Many adults have children before their genitals cease being swag and dry up. You will sometimes see them on the bus, or walking on the street.
7. Drinking in the park is not only legal, but strongly encouraged by law enforcement. Go ahead and do body shots off the horsey thing, bro.
8. ‘Tabernackle de tappet’ is a common Quebecois term of endearment. Go ahead and use it freely with everyone you meet. It is the ‘sup, bro’ of Quebec.
9. You will not fit in unless your a hipster. Common hipster items that you may want to pick up in order to fit in: a bicycle, shoes, sunglasses, a took, a cellular telephone.
10. There is a mountain and that mountain is a volcano. Stay the fuck away, seriously. Supes dangerful.
11. Old Montreal is where the action is. There’s a reason why that’s pretty much the only place you saw when you came for orientation with your parents. It’s fuckin’ dope as all fuck.
12. French girls are DTF. There’s a reason why Christina Aguilera sang ‘Voulé vous couché avec moi ce soi?!’. Sow your wild oats. (You can identify lesbians by the hats they wear.)
13. French guys are pretty much all gay. It’s too bad, they have such good fashion sense.
14. Protests are for anarcho-communists and lesbians. It might seem like good, hearty fun to join in a protest, but think of your future: the fine upstanding police force here may arrest you, and that will look terrible on your record when you run for public office.
15. Crescent Street is a bit like the French Quarter or Grenich Village. It’s been a world-wide party central for more than 60 years. You can’t go wrong!
16. The Metro doesn’t run all night. Don’t get caught red-handed; never go further than six blocks away from school / your apartment.
17. Sooo MTL is the best. But you already know that 😀
18. Bar Brutus has Marshmallow-and-Bacon-Stuffed Deep-Fried Meatloaf Ball Poutine! ISN’T THAT CRAZY? WOULD YOU EAT THAT? WE LOVE IT. SOOO MTL.
19. There’s an underground city. Fun fact: MTLwas originally built from the ground up! The first settlers originally put in a bunch of shitty malls and tunnels before venturing into the outside world.
20. Strip clubs are basically brothels. Make sure you tell everyone you know so they can come here during spring break. Quebecois are very welcoming!
21. Bagels. These are extremely important to MTL culture. Make sure you talk about them to everyone you meet.
22. It’s basically winter for 10 months. You will adapt. Don’t bother getting a coat or anything, the human body adapts pretty well.
23. No one is actually from Montreal. Much like Los Angeles or Berlin, Montreal is made up entirely of people just like you. If you happen to meet someone who is actually from Montreal (suburbs don’t count – C) they are probably boring as fuck and don’t use slang like ‘git ‘er done’.
24. Everyone bikes everywhere. It’s even permissible to ride on the sidewalk. If you ever feel like being healthy outside (LOL), go for it!
25. Apartments have stairs on the outside. Some apartments are on the second floor! SOOO MTL!
26. Bar Brutus is eventually going to open. You should go! We’ve loved it every time we were there even though it hasn’t opened yet. We love talking about it so much, it’s almost as if we’re paid every time we do!
27. Montreal has a super exciting music scene. There are lots of great venues in Montreal like Metropolis, Spectrum, Kola Note, Silver Door, Le Medlie, Main Hall and Bar St-Laurent 2 where you can catch some hot up and upcoming bands.
28. You should probably go to class. Unlike high school, no one cares if you don’t go to college classes. However, you should probably go. But concordiantly to Montreal’s very lezzé fer attitude, you can also just smoke some jays.
29. Beer is stronger here. Careful when you shotgun that shit. On the other hand, it’s cheaper.
30. French people have their own TV stations. No, you didn’t somehow break you’re TV! LOL!
31. There are no jobs in MTL. You will not be able to make $24/h at some unskilled bullshit job so stop looking. Besides, this is a very European place. No one actually needs to work.
32. Rent is very cheap. It’s not unheard of to have one bedroom apartments for under $1500 (CANADIAN!!) dollars in the heart of DT or the PMR. THINK OF ALL THE SAVINGS.
33. William Shatner is from MTL. Crazy! We’re such nerds here, we love Star Wars.
34. MTL is so very MTL. Don’t you forget it.