This Is The Ham Sandwich


A brand new foodie trends is sweeping the streets of MTL! It’s called the HAM SANDWICH and it’s SO MTL. The ham sandwich is essentially the same as your pulled-pork sandwich or meat loaf sandwich or shaved goat knee and cardamom aioli sandwich that you know so well, but it integrates a brand-new element: ham.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar, ham is made from the same animal as bacon: pig. (The pig is cleaned before it is made into meat, so the chances of getting mud in your bacon are verily slim.) You can get ham at nearly every place that food is sold, except McDonald’s and Basha. For this recipe you will need, the aforementioned ham, some condiments of your choice (mustard packets are easily obtained most places that food is solid, except McDonald’s and Basha) and of course, the most important element of a sandwich, verily, bread. We told you where to get bread before so follow this list.

This recipe is taken from, but instead of just linking to it, we’ll reproduce it in full for some reason.


1. Remove the bread from the bag and place it on a wooden cutting board. If you don’t have a cutting board, place it on a plate. Make sure the plate is big enough for both slices of bread. If you don’t have an appropriate plate, put it directly on the counter or, barring that, the floor.


2. Squirt a glob of moustard on the bread on the right side, and a glob of mayonnaise on the left-side bread. Alternately, you can switch the sides of globs, to your preference or the preference of the person earthing the sandwich. Make sure that there will be enough to spread evenly on the bread. If not, add more. If you put too much, discard the pieces of bread, clean up the mess you made and try again. (CHAD’S TIP: Don’t ever ever ever buy Miracle Whip – that shit is for pussies.)


3. Place two slices of processed cheese on the slice of the mustarded bread. Make sure that they are slightly a kimbo but that they don’t go over the sides of the bread. Use a knife to trim the excess and discard immediately. If you can’t find processed cheese, you can buy some insoles at the pharmacy and cut them to the dimensions of the piece of bread.


4. Slice a tomato in thinly using a knife. Save two slices of tomato and throw the rest in the trash. If you don’t have tomatos, you can substitute with any other red spherical thing including pomegranates, those little sour cherry ball candied or a red pepper (not spherical, but close enough LOL).


5. Place lettice on top of the cheese and tomato concoction. You can find this at almost any place where food is sold. (Pro tip: even though there are things that grow out of concrete and on people’s lawns that LOOK like lettice, it aren’t. Best to just leave that alone).


6. Add two slices of rolled up ham on top of the lettice. You can add more if you want to make your foodie experience even more amazingly fun. Google tells us there are many kinds of hams available on the market – however, we prefer to use a classic ‘pink ham’ made out of pink pigs for the austentic, rustic ham experience.


7. Take the other slice of bread and palce it face down over the other other. This may take a few tries. The bread should be perfectly lined up with the other bread, if you probably did the task.


8.Place your Finnish creation sandwich directly on a medium sized plate and garnish it with three or four old tortilla chips (if available). If you didn’t have a plate in step 1, you can leave the sandwich on the counter or the floor. Ham sandwiches are best eaten with hands and face, but feel free to let your creativity flow!


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